My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
