This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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