I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
