I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
