I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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