Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Randomize
