Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
