my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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