WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
