I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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