He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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