I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
