the new term for farting is butt boxing.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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