Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
