How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
