You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
