i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
