Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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