I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
