I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
