i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
