your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
