the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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