If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize