A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
This house was built for laser tag.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
