I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
The air taste purple.
Randomize
