You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
