I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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