Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I need a beard to bite.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
