Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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