I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
