i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
