When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize