he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
