I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
