I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Come see our sink grown plant.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize