I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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