my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
If I die, sorry about rent.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
