God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
