google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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