No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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