I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
