I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I am puke
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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