Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So apparently I’m into choking now
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
