First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
