I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
