You smell like a Billy Joel song
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
