My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
