just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
