Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize