I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
organizing the empties. That sober.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
