Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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