There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize