remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
