I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize