Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
